Well it is hard to believe, but I fly home in fifteen days. I have a week left at Ruth’s with the kids, and then I’m taking the last week off for recovery before I fly home. (I’m praying it will be sunny my last week! It has been overcast and rainy for months…I do not lie.)

My departure comes with mixed feelings, as I anticipated. I feel like it is time to leave in many ways. I feel used up and tired, and in desperate need of some space and freedom. Physically I don’t think I can go on like this for much longer. I’m very ready to see familiar faces of friends and family. Here, I am constantly giving it seems, and those people who wait for me back home are the type of people who fill me up…I feel a bit empty being without them for so long.

Not to mention that most days and nights my only company is myself…and although I am endlessly fascinating…three months later I’m a bit bored of me!

But, even though leaving is almost essential for mental soundness, it will be hard. Ruth will be without a volunteer til April, when a girl is coming from Germany for a year. Both Ruth and I are well aware that coping for these next months seems almost physically impossible. I feel burdened for her and the kids, and seeing life here day after day, I panic thinking about what holes are going to be left as I go.

I know it is not my life to figure out, it is hers, but what can I say: I’m a wonderful person and I feel very concerned for all of them! These last six months have been filled with some grief and struggles as I’ve battled to keep my head afloat, in a household where it is easy to feel a bit like Cinderella. The politics of how volunteers are treated has at times been questionable.

I’ve been angry and lonely many times, and frustrated with various situations. But I am leaving on a good note, and I feel like even Ruth has changed and grown in many ways over these last few months. It is an encouraging change. It just reinforces to me how important it is to have a teachable spirit. Maybe the most important thing.

Leaving the kid will be endlessly difficult. This last week has been a chaos of behavior issues. Siya, who is almost always mature and well spoken, lashed out on Monday. This is something that has not even been close to happening before. Over a small issue of sharing with Simon, he became instantly violent, attacking me, breaking things, and shouting louder than I thought possible for a child. For the first time in six months, I found myself in a situation I could not handle. In five minutes he had me outside the house in tears. (And I am a very tough person!! Haha.)

He proceeded to act this same way with Ruth and Pastor, and the tantrum went on for hours and hours. I was very pleased with how it was handled though.

Siya has a lot to come to grips with as he grows, issues of abandonment, adoption, lack of any male father figure in his life. He’s seen things in Ruth’s teenage son, that were mirrored perfectly in this tantrum.

The other children who quite traumatized by the experience… Mary is always quite concerned about me, and when I left the house crying, she came and gave me a hug and rubbed my back and told me, “Shh…It’ll be ok. I love you. It’ll be ok.” That had me laughing. What a sweetheart. Jake was quite concerned that Siya’s behaviour was the reason I was leaving. All week he has been telling Siya, “You made Maria cry!” Is that bad? I don’t know—I think its ok for Siya to see that his behavior has an impact on the people he’s hurting.

Mary has told me for about three weeks, in the most serious voice, that I cannot leave her cause she’ll be too sad. She asked Ruth the other morning what would happen when she (Ruth) leaves. It’s hard on the kids having people coming and going like this, and especially for Mary who gets very attached.

It is pretty much certain that she is going to make me cry at the airport. I need to leave, but I will miss my little kids.

We had such fun last night. My Auntie Molly sent a big package, that included some CDs with kid’s songs on them. I don’t think the kids have ever seen Veggie Tales—but man oh man, The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything and The Lip Song were great hits and had them in hysterics. I’m also pleased that the Poopsmith Song by Over the Rhine is reaching children all over the world. Although, Potty is not in their vocabulary and Siya was singing, “Poop goes in the pot!” I had to explain to them.

Well. A week left. A week left of the good and the bad.